family - extended but not extended enough

My grandma, my favorite grandma is old and getting older by the minute.  The kind of old that isn't good or healthy.  She lives hours away and its very difficult to go see her because her home is closely adjoined to the home(s) of extended family members.  Family members who mean well (i'm sure, bless their little hearts).   However they are busily posting personal information on facebook about grandma, so busy posting and talking about grandma that I'm not sure how they have any time to actually care for grandma.   Grandma is very prideful - it runs in her family.  You can't eat with her if you aren't wearing a dress shirt that buttons and has a button down collar, no hats at the table if you are male, children need to be properly trained in manners, use proper grammar when speaking to adults, she is a lady and grandpa was always a gentleman.  Grandpa's sole mission in life was to care for grandma.  She never drove a car, she had a drivers license, she didn't like to drive so grandpa always drove her every where.  She is a horrible cook so Grandpa told everyone he loved to eat out and had gourmet taste in canned soup and sandwiches.  He was a gentleman and treated Grandma like a queen.  

It is breaking my heart the disrespect my family is showing my Grandma - the queen of my life.  When I have made a teeny tiny reference, I was informed very loudly, very plainly - You are NOT here.     I received the message.      They are supposed to be putting Grandma in a home sometime soon and I hope they choose a good one, and choose it quickly.  Grandma has enough money to go into a very nice home and receive the best of care.  They have been paying themselves to "care" for her for years.  She hasn't been receiving much care, because she hasn't required much care.  However she needs care now and I want her to receive it.   Care with dignity and respect.   I'm glad Grandpa isn't here to see what is happening to his Queen, the love of his life.  Grandma isn't really here to understand either, however I'm sure she understands enough and it's breaking my heart.  

I have to go home in a few weeks.  I have mixed emotions.  I want to spend the time with my Grandma and will not be allowed to.  I will have some time with her but not the time I want or need to spend with her.  My time has already been scheduled by the precious dears.  I will have to fight for every minute -  I want to wait until she is in a home and I can see her more at peace however I'm afraid to wait too long. 

Please remember if you are responsible for aging loved ones - it isn't about you.  It is about them, be respectful and care for them - the golden rule always applies.   Karma is going to be a bitch when my family gets older....


things that may or may not have contributed to my divorce...

you decide....
1. my obnoxious family.  While most families are nominally/marginally dysfunctionally, my family is nothing of the kind.  It is an injustice to try to describe my loving sweet family as Dysfunctional.  my dad thinks he runs the family and is very loud and outspoken about being the God given head of the household, while my mother makes sure he makes every single decision.  Yes, he does, based solely on the information my mother feeds him so the only logical decision is the decision my mother wants him to make :)   So really dad is the head and my mother is the neck.   I have the brother a once again former youth pastor (indiscretions, indiscretions, they catch up to you sooner or later). Oh why bother going on... we are a messed up bunch yet somehow they all think they are better than the rest of the planet.  The other day one of the divine lot took it upon themselves to share with the rest of us (in confidence of course) that one of their children had messed up and was suffering the consequences.  One of my children mentioned that they were aware that something had happened,  oh lord you would have thought someone had mentioned a murder or something.  I was contacted and told that they had only mentioned the unnamed failure of the unnamed child in the strictest of confidence so that those of us with less perfect children would realize their children weren't always perfect.   So, maybe MY family played a role in my divorce.

2. His controlling family.  His mother decided when she met me (I was 12) that he was going to marry me. Then we met again when I was 20 and she controlled pretty much everything.  Where we went, what we ate, where we lived, what my children wore, the rules in my house, bedtime, food, colors on the wall, furniture, vacations, jobs, childcare, you name it, My opinion didn't matter.  It was her way or no way... Maybe his controlling family played a role in my divorce.

3. My dogs.  I love dogs, i think they are members of the family.  I take them to the vet and name them and love them.  He thinks dogs are a dime a dozen and should literally be shot if they are sick.  Maybe my expensive dogs played a role in my divorce.

4. Our children.  We had children too many too fast and some of them aren't healthy.  This added a lot of stress on an already strained marriage.   We shouldn't have ever had kids.  Just the facts of life.  Our DNA shouldn't have ever been combined, ask all 7 of the genetics counselors we have had the pleasure of meeting with for hours on end.   Maybe that played a minor role...

5. Bipolar Disorder.  He has Adult onset Bipolar disorder and doesn't take any meds.   Enough said.

6.  I was tired.  Enough said.

7.  Maybe we just shouldn't have gotten married. 


I haven't blogged much lately not that I blog FOR anyone. I write for myself, this is supposed to be my outlet. However there are things in my life I don't want out there for the entire world to see.   Some things I need to think about and decide how much I want available for the world to see.  
We are a very happy family.  I have this teenager son, he's as rebellious as they come.  He doesn't show it in normal ways, he isn't a normal kid.  He's been through so much in his short life so why would I expect his rebellion to show up in normal ways?    Me, being the awesome incredible mom that I am.   I've been worried sick, thinking my kid is lonely and no one will be his friend and somehow I'm not describing this very well. He goes to a boarding school because it's the best thing for him.  He's blind and our local school district was just giving him A's and not making him do the work.  He needed a school that would at the very least make him try to earn his grades, so he attends the closest school for the blind and visually impaired.  Anyway, now that I have rambled for way to long.  Recently I went to the school for a day to watch him compete in a regional 10 state wrestling tournament.   My kid, often described by those who love him (seriously) as being insolent, sullen, personality of soggy bread, a sloth, lazy.   Yes, that kid stepped up to the plate, listened to Coach and took 2nd place in his weight division!!! Shocked every single one of us.  Absolutely amazing.  Every minute leading up to the match he was sullen, insolent, didn't want to talk to anyone.  Isolated himself, head in his hands. I sat in the stands worrying.  Thinking I needed to bring him home but wondering how it would be any better at home surrounded by sighted kids who would make fun of him.  Kids that are driving and dating, playing football, sports that aren't geared for him to compete when at his school he is dating when he wants to, has friends, he is on the track, wrestling, the rowing teams, a representative of the FBLA team and more.  All of a sudden it hit me. The isolation, the sulleness, the blah... that's his acting out.  His rebellion.  His sisters is the bright clothes, the short shorts, the screamo music, etc.      He has chosen country music (OMG I hate it) boring ASS clothes, stupid hiking boots (just like his dad) and to lose his personality.... this is his rebellion.  I'm not fighting him over it anymore.   Every teenager goes through this and they either come out of it or they don't but parents fighting them over it is not a deciding factor.   So this week, I checked in with his teachers and his dorm parents just like I always do.  I didn't like what I heard anymore than I ever do.  However, when I called him, I asked him about the 2 weeks worth of English homework he owed his teacher, he got defensive.  I told him to stop, told him he wasn't in trouble, I just knew he has a full weekend this weekend with a tournament and homecoming so I wanted to know if he had a plan to get it done.  He said not "competition worthy essays but yes I will turn in something"  I told him it didn't need to be competition worthy, just "not get yelled at by the teacher and complete".  He agreed to do that.   I thanked him for having a plan and we got off the phone. 

I felt better that we had at least discussed it, hopefully he felt better that he didn't get in trouble. 

This mothering stuff is tough!


so glad to be working

It's the time between the holidays, when no one wants to be at work.  Anyway, it's been an exciting time here at the office this week. People are inordinately busy for this time of year.  Very busy scheduling doctors appointments, filing fingernails,  making travel arangements for vacations, holding meetings to discuss where they are going for lunch, performing customer service by bringing babies with them to work because they somehow missed the fact that the daycare is closed until after the new year, updating and downloading apps and software for their Christmas presents such as ipads, updating their resumes, sharing holiday drama stories, checking lottery tickets, and yes, maybe in between all these very important things a little work might be getting done. 

living in the south

I followed a group of beautiful middle aged women into the grocery store last night, one of them was loudly lamenting "It was horrible, I didn't even get to see John Cena or anyone. I missed the entire thing. I cried and cried".   I went home and googled John Cena, it took me a while to figure out how to spell his name - you know you live in the south when a grown woman, with makeup on, dressed up, looking good is all upset because she missed out on seeing a WWF  or WWE or whatever it is wrestler. 

Went to the doctor today. Parked my car in the parking garage as I exited my vehicle I realized there were not one, not two, not three but four pairs of shoes hanging off the power line right outside the parking garage where I parked.

As I drove back to my office, I passed several groups of homeless people.  I noticed one man wearing an expensive Sean John jacket as he pushed his grocery cart of goods down the street. Another woman in her Skittles jacket pushing her cart and a group of men walking around in their very expensive tennis shoes, jackets and hats waiting outside the mission for the next mealtime to arrive.  

Awww.... life in the south


and then the house burns down

2011 was determined to go out with a bang.  I didn't know how determined she was.  It's been a rough year for just about everyone I know.  We've done ok if you don't count our finances.  We've been healthy pretty much and I'm so grateful for that but my bank acount? well that sucks.  2011 was the year of completely unpaid child support, completely unreimbursed medical bills, totaled car, plumbing problem after plumbing problem and broken furnaces etc.  I thought we were done with money problems pretty much until last night when I found out my house burned down.  It burned to the ground.  I apparently bought a live tree, I've never had a live tree before (never mind that I was raised with only live tree's) and I didn't know I needed to water the tree and it got too dry and caught fire and burned my house to the ground and I lost everything. E V E R Y T H I N G!    E V E R Y T H I N G   Y'all - Just want to make sure you understand because I was more than a little confused as I was sitting in my kitched when the news reached my ears. 
Some insane apparently well meaning soul decided my children and I deserved an awesome Christmas this year.  Thankfully the insane well meaning soul came by to let me know how awesome our Christmas was going to be, - cause when they told me they had "fudged the details a little bit" and told the store owners and managers that my house burned down and I had lost everything. I flipped out!   Are you kidding me?

We didn't lose anything! we went through a bad divorce, we lost things. We didn't lose everything.  We have each other.  This person apparently lost their marbles.  Thankfully, they mentioned the names of the places they had notified of my tragedy so I called the stores this morning and let them  know my home had NOT burned down and I had NOT lost everything. 

Can you imagine my confusion if Channel 3 had shown up on the doorstep of my non burned home?

can you say FRAUD?

I know they meant well, but I can see this leading to the loss of my job and my children.

Thanks but no thanks.

Please let 2012 be better.


I'm awesome....

Yesterday I did it... I finished my annual review AND I gave it to my boss.  Shouldn't be a big deal, but it is.  It's only 117 days late.  I always complete my self reviews early and they are always the same.   They ask the same questions every year. 
1. Describe the specific examples blah blah blah
2. Describe anything you would like to improve,blah blah
3. What do you think are the strengths blah blah?
4. What gives you the most satisfaction blah blah blah ?
5. Describe how well you achieved the performance goals blah blah bleh blah

I answer them the same way every year. Not this year.   I've set goals for myself this year in my personal life and those goals are rolling into my professional life.  I don't draw lines in the sand anymore and people don't push me around anymore.  It works pretty well when I draw a line in the concrete so I drew some concrete lines in my annual review. I listed all the work I do, the work my boss has no idea I actually do. Work that other people are supposed to be doing.  Work they claim, work other people put their name on. 
I listed my accomplishments and when we meet next week I am telling him that HR recommends a re-evaluation of my position because my role has changed so much over the past 9 years and thinks I need a new job description be written.   I hope he will listen.  Drawing lines in concrete and speaking up for myself professionally is new for me.  I don't want this to backfire